The All-Natural Ingredients in Our Disgusting Skin-Care Line

The All-Natural Ingredients in Our Disgusting Skin-Care Line

We’re passionate about natural skin care, and nature is disgusting. Not everyone has the stomach for this job, which is why so many brands default to processed materials that don’t smell or feel bad at all. But we know that our customers expect products that repulse them, and we don’t mind throwing up a lot for the cause.

This is our lineup of noxious ingredients naturally sourced from the hideous earth.

Olive Grease
Olives are so rancid with grease that we couldn’t help but scrape some off and dump it into our product. We physically recoiled when handling it, so we knew it was right for our line.

Pomegranate Pustules
Pomegranates are already nasty little clusters of damp holes. We extracted the warm, runny juice from every tortured pomegranate pore while looking away because they were so, so nasty.

Skinned Banana
The thick skin of a banana is notoriously hard to remove, especially because the bananas hate it. They try to crawl away, but just as they think they’ve made it to safety we cruelly peel back the skin from their tender, raw flesh. Their agony-fuelled adrenaline is an essential active ingredient.

Grape Tears
We spent a lot of time with these grapes to study their insecurities. We then crafted bespoke insults that were way, way over the line in order to hurt the grapes’ feelings and maximize our harvest of tears.

Lavender Shards
These wretched floral atrocities were a blight on our fields, so we paid a couple of neighborhood boys to cut them down with dull scissors. Once we realized they smelled as bad as they looked, we knew you freaks would be into it.

Avocado Placenta
The placenta is scooped from the avocado womb at peak gestation so you can benefit from the restorative properties that otherwise would have gone to a selfish avocado fetus.

Potato Scabs
In nature, scabs make up less than four per cent of a potato’s body, which is why we have to spend the whole goddam day throwing potatoes against a brick wall until they’re good and scabby. They beg for mercy, but we never stop—that’s our heartfelt promise to our customers. Then we incinerate the leftovers. We hate waste, but potato flesh is truly good for nothing.

Apricot Elbows
These craggy delights are way better than real elbows, which are weighed down by the arms they are attached to. Instead, these disembodied fruit joints are feather-light and most unsettling.

Horrible Figs
These horrible figs were picked at the absolute worst time of year from the most terrible tree.

Embalmed Cucumbers
We spitefully injected each of these very alive cucumbers with formaldehyde, prematurely embalming them. They aren’t dead yet, but they are ready.

Screaming Oranges
We can’t disclose what we did to get these oranges screaming (trade secret and also illegal!), but their ear-splitting cries will petrify your cells, thereby stopping the aging process in its tracks.

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